DYSPHORIA: WARD STORIES, by handkerchief code

DYSPHORIA: WARD STORIES

by handkerchief code

supported by

	/

Streaming + Download

Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

Purchasable with gift card

name your price

1.	TALES FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM 02:07	lyrics	buy track
tantrum: happened picked up screamed at i tell the truth we go to the emergency room i get brought back white room clothes off scrubs on all the pressure has built up but i talked the doctor out of keeping me i convinced him letting me go wouldn't cause anything but i lied to his face
2.	WORSE THAN WORTHLESS (THE HARM) 02:50	lyrics	buy track
next time i choke myself i'll make you know i meant every word about wanting death i know you thought it would pass quickly but i want demise now you can't expect me to live like this everyday someone's dragging me down it's like i can't escape the pain and i want out immediately i'm not lying i'm not concern trolling my life gets worse every second of everyday so i'll wrap it up i'll warp it around my neck again i never wanted this now i want blackness
3.	DETRIMENTAL TO MY MENTAL HEALTH 02:45	lyrics	buy track
i wrote down how i was feeling i trusted my english teacher with that information she told the counselor they took me out of class and then locked me in the office yes i hurt myself no don't tell anyone i swear i'll be fine i know i lied every single time but you gotta let me go please let me go don't send me back they'll keep me this time i know they will he's coming to pick me up this isn't fair
4.	THE SILENT CAR RIDE 02:58	lyrics	buy track
i know you think i should be able to tell you everything but have you considered that that's the problem? i fear your reaction to my feelings you seem so cold at times i wish you could just take me home but i know i wouldn't be safe not because of you because i know i'll finish the job this time so i guess it's time for visit two
5.	TALES FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM II 02:36	lyrics	buy track
back in the white room in scrubs no parents not anyone and when the doctor comes in i'm not gonna lie anymore yes i drank today yes i choked myself into oblivion multiple times in the past two weeks we talked about everything the parents, the siblings, the dogs, school, sex, drugs i honestly feel so relived to get that all off of my chest but i knew they wouldn't let me leave that night i can't believe i'm not going home tonight
6.	BEHIND THE WHITE CURTAIN (THE TRANSFER) 02:38	lyrics	buy track
a man came to the door of my hospital room with a wheelchair and said he was here to take me to my next destination i sat in the wheelchair and it all felt so surreal this is happening i'm not leaving anytime soon we made it to a hallway and he buzzed me in the industrial door opened and i was let in two nurses put me in a small exam room they took my information they gave me a pair of socks then they took me to my room
7.	1-306A 03:02	lyrics	buy track
stupid yellow wall with stupid stripes a twin bed in the middle with some thin ass sheets hardwood floors and a window that is my only connection to the world outside i feel like a prisoner a new doctor comes in and asks me the same questions i've answered upwards of a hundred times he's says the team will see me in the morning to discuss my stay what team? i'm lost what a mess i've made
8.	TIME TO PROCESS (THE SHOWER) 02:29	lyrics	buy track
a nurse came in and told me to take a shower it was 8 p.m and it had been a long fucking day i'd take it glady a nurse came in to check on me while i was changing she got an eyeful that's for sure the bathroom door was more like a window you couldn't hide anything you were doing the water started running it felt good i thought about what my family was doing and all the mistakes i've ever made what was the trigger for all of this? i don't even know
9.	A TERRIBLE NIGHT'S SLEEP 03:20	lyrics	buy track
after my shower they told me to get some rest this small bed couldn't contain my emotions i was all over the place every 15 minutes someone would open the door to make sure i wasn't dead that's reassuring that's a lot of pressure to put on vulnerable little me i rocked back and fourth stared at the ceiling and i felt totally numb i was safe but i was locked in a psych ward no escape in sight no humanity just my scars i wish my life was different i wish i had normal feelings and for fucks sake give me a comfortable place to sleep
10.	GRIPPED BY GUILT (GET A GRIP II) 04:46	lyrics	buy track
i'm sorry you have to see me this way i'm sorry i made you cry it's just that i want to die i think it's important for you to know how i feel and i feel about you i love you but at times i wonder how you feel about me when we got in the car to go to the ER the second time you yelled at me from my perspective that was the opposite reaction then what i deserved and not what you should've done i feel like i wasn't shown any kind of remorse i know you're not the best with feelings so i forgive you for that instance sometimes your jokes hurt sometimes they feel like character attacks they feel more like you're just being mean i don't like when you don't knock it makes me feel like i have no privacy there are just so many things there are just so many things i can't articulate in this letter but i hope we can go somewhere from here i just kinda wish you could handle my emotions better i feel just sad when you yell at me for being honest with you with how i'm feeling i wish you had the ability to keep a level head and accept my feelings in a more appropriate way inside: sadness, depression, anxiety, distress, hurt, guilt
11.	I <3 GETTING HURT 02:26	lyrics	buy track
fuck this wall i don't know what you want me to say to you it's just that that forest is where i went to lose my mind i hurt myself i wrapped a belt around my neck and tried to choke myself to death and now you want me to get introspective about it you've made me write like seven things about what it could've been and i told you the truth i'm sleep deprived i'm hungry i'm sorry i'm irate i just wanna go home
12.	WHY ARE YOU HERE? 02:37	lyrics	buy track
the main doctor came in the next morning to discuss my case nothing sounded reassuring i felt stuck in my head nothing was registering with me i was overwhelmed and underfed my stomach was in knots and i was nervous i would be here for forever doc asked me why i was here i don't know i got dumped i suck at school i'm always tired i never can breathe easy my stomach always hurts give me something to eat please before she left she said something that sounded like this to me: your pointless existence is amplified by your resistance to go along with what we're telling you what does that mean?
13.	DELINQUENT COMRADERY (THE CORN FIELD) 02:34	lyrics	buy track
me and you we're in hell together trapped in a hospital same problems same stakes different reactions to our pain seeing each other keeps us sane somewhat connected to life some vision of normalcy but we both know we're not okay they don't speak about everything super clearly i know i won't see you after this you'll be somewhere else i hops you'll be okay i hope your recovery goes smoothly i won't forget you anytime soon
14.	DISTRESS TOLERANCE 03:37	lyrics	buy track
i know i'm sensitive i know i'm unstable i know she dumped me i know i'm unable to cope with pain in a safe way it's all knives or nothing it's the booze in my backpack all my life i've been shy i can't communicate an emotional need to save my life but my life is strange my life is pain crying, cutting, drinking my life down the drain i know these behaviors will kill me i know they will but i want to give up i have no luck at all i'm a failure a complete an utter lost cause that's unhealthy to say i know but it's how i feel all the time
15.	IT'S ALL A BLUR (THE TIMELINE) 02:03	lyrics	buy track
what the fuck has happened in the last 2 weeks? it's a complete blur to me she fucking left me for being unbearably clingy and it's all my fault don't try and convince me otherwise it's a blur to me you see i love her and i lost her
16.	MY REASONS TO LIVE LIST 02:50	lyrics	buy track
everything i write feels fake i can leave it all behind i know that they told me to write down names of the people i care about or things i want to accomplish and everything i write feels like a lie i don't care maybe i want to apologize to my ex it's not your fault i'm here this is all me and i know i put my world on your shoulders and expected you to just go with it that was insane of me to think some family some friends more names that seem familiar but seem so far away talking about things i want seems wierd right now i just want to feel okay
17.	DON'T DIE ON ME 03:39	lyrics	buy track
i've built up so much and it all went to shit i just want to quit we've been over this so fucking many times i'm lost as hell it feels like i'm on fire all the time my heart hurts i can't think straight my mind puts all this shit in my head that's not true what do i do? i'm weak i can't keep my head up my stomach always quits on me it hurts it all really hurts and if it gets worse i'm sure i'll die
18.	SHITSHOW FOREVER 03:14		buy track
19.	5 NIGHTS & 5 DAYS 04:38	lyrics	buy track
everyday feels the same get up eat shit write about my problems talk to the nurse watch the doctor smirk someone might come and visit sometimes not i've yet to identify a trigger why i'm here? there's so much that i think about high school quarterbacks my ex my group of fake ass friends no one got me so maybe this was necessary because i'm not dead yet and i don't think i'm strong enough to hurt myself or anyone i know more than i already have and i'm a little bit fucked up broken down from all the pressures from everything circleing me it's been a long time since i smiled genuinely some of the other patients make me feel sane like i might actually be okay we can't compare scars though so i don't know how bad i have it that's probably a good thing but when i leave i hope i don't end up in the same place: suicidal and manic i will remember this shitshow forever
20.	HOSPITAL SOCKS (THE REMINDER) 05:35	lyrics	buy track
i'm out i'm free no shackles around my ankles preventing me from screaming i'm alive somehow am i better? i guess we'll find out when i saw alex again that was the greatest hug i've ever received i'm alive and warm but there's still a dark shadow casted everytime i'm alone i'm not cured i'm not saved i'm running on temporary happiness that could fade i hope i don't hit this low again but these socks are a reminder of where i've been maybe i've gained some confidence maybe i've saved my life i want to tell everyone where i've been but i don't want to make them worried so i'll keep these socks and try to grow but if i don't i don't know where i'll go fuck this wall so i'll keep these socks and try to grow but if i don't i don't know where i'll go