DYSPHORIA: AN ENCORE, by handkerchief code

DYSPHORIA: AN ENCORE

by handkerchief code

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1.	COMING OUT 01:37	lyrics	buy track
what's wrong with me? why can't i shake this feeling? this is not me i'm freaking out i'm different am i a freak what did i do to deserve this pain? why was i born this way? i hate my body i hate myself i hate everything about myself
2.	GET A GRIP 01:34	lyrics	buy track
"get a hold of yourself you need to calm down in order for this to work you need to find a way to get a grip" why is the therapist always right? they talk me through the steps sounds like forever sounds like a hellish task i can't do it i can't fucking do it
3.	CROSSDRESSER 01:23	lyrics	buy track
listen i know you don't get it and you don't think it's happening but there has to be a way to convince you that i'm suffering it's like i don't know you you used to be there for me but since this change we're like strangers this passive aggressive shit really isn't helping
4.	YOU'RE NOT GAY ENOUGH TO SIT WITH US 01:36	lyrics	buy track
i found the kids in the back of the lunchroom eating shitty school food and i know we have things in common but they don't think i'm "pulling my weight" i'm not doing the right things they said my presentation is dreadful and they've been at this longer than i have but they are being such dicks i'm sorry i can't satisfy your wants but my queerness is mine i'm sorry i can't satisfy you my queerness is mine
5.	FAGGOT 02:29	lyrics	buy track
what is your problem with me? just fucking tell me it has to be... the way i'm presenting fuck you it really hurts and i don't know if i can take much more of this verbal let me be i've done nothing to you and you insist on making my life worse and i can't put up with much worse it's eating me alive it's never going to end is it?
6.	I'LL SAY GAY 01:33	lyrics	buy track
i need you to know the pain you're causing me in this very moment please don't out me if i can't tell anybody how am i supposed to get help? fuck you need to get your shit together
7.	BREATHE FOR ME 01:26	lyrics	buy track
after the verbal abuse i went to the bathroom and just cut loose i was apparently crying louder than i thought then on my stall door i heard a knock "are you okay" the voice said and i said that i was fine but she somehow talked me out of that stall i saw a girl who looked at me differently and i knew she was going to be special she is so special
8.	NEVER ENDING CYCLE 01:32	lyrics	buy track
so bitter but sweet that girl helped me but now i'm in bed with a bottle on my right she gave me her number and said she would do whatever she could but i doubt that's the truth at all so i'll lay here and forget i exist hoping if i wake up things will start to look up
9.	WET DREAM 02:33	lyrics	buy track
i saw her last night in bed with me she took my hand and told me that everything was going to be alright i hope she's right it's a shitstorm but it's my life and she's the only one who looked at me and saw me for what i was a broken machine constantly falling, crying, before the bell rings she's the only one who treats me like a human in here we stare at the ceiling her arms around my neck trying to slow down my breath tongues touch so much love and for once i feel fine
10.	PENIS ON A PLATTER 01:42	lyrics	buy track
this curse is so real born to be sad bread to me mad i want it to be gone i'm losing control why am i cursed? fuck me
11.	POWER DYNAMIC 01:42	lyrics	buy track
she's been helping me get through the days she walks me everywhere and makes sure i'm okay but i feel like a burden but i feel like i'm in love i want to be stronger so we can be a normal couple i'm just a freak on her leash at the moment is she playing me? is this some kind of joke? i hope not because she's saving my life
12.	VULNERABLE 01:40	lyrics	buy track
she wasn't there that day and he came up to me and said that i wasn't worth shit tell my something i don't know jackass but this was different i saw a virus in his eyes and he said to stay away from her or i'd regret it later that day before i made it to the bus i felt the knuckles against the back of my head and then my lights went out i know what happened i really do he knocked me out for being me
13.	ABOLITION 01:16	lyrics	buy track
no need for it to exist get out of here with this bullshit die pigs die god what's the point of labels that don't exist in the first place? bathroom stalls i fall back to a false reality we're all one none of us are real pronouns cause more harm than you'd think science knows what's good for all of us we should listen every once in awhile
14.	HOMOPHOBE 01:39	lyrics	buy track
i'll get my revenge he doesn't stop it's relentless i hope i can hurt him the same way he hurt me no footballs to catch anymore the high school superstar gets away with everything the fag never gets away from the hate after 7th i know what stairs he goes down maybe a well-placed push could break his leg hopefully he'll never walk again "he just didn't stop"
15.	TALKING ME DOWN 01:07	lyrics	buy track
what do i do? in this situation can you save me? i need help can you save me? i'm pretty fucked up right now i was convinced it was all going to be over
16.	A SHOULDER TO CRY ON 00:40	lyrics	buy track
why do you waste your time on me? i guess maybe she does care i love you reciprocated feelings of death take me with you on your journey
17.	HOW NUMB CAN I FEEL? 01:39	lyrics	buy track
i feel nothing i got my revenge and now she's acting strange my drinking has gotten heavier and i feel like i can't breathe i'm always choking on the spiteful spit in my throat nothing i say helps and she needs to be alone so know it's just me and my brain that thing that hates me so much i can ignore the feeling that i should've died a long time ago
18.	GIRLFRIEND 01:43	lyrics	buy track
baby girl, what happened to us? i thought we were closer than ever but i guess not we used to be inseparable i don't know what i did wrong help me to understand what's happening baby please just talk i'm starting to realize it's all on her end i think my girlfriend has problems and i don't know what to do
19.	TANTRUM 01:45	lyrics	buy track
she's leaving and i don't know whether it's my fault i've broken the mirror because i can't stand to look at myself why am i so frail? i just need to go away i need a way out i'm a loser i'm a fuck-up no one likes me i just suck everything's bullshit everything's a lie she left me i'm alone i should die
20.	WARD STORIES 01:40	lyrics	buy track
what do you mean? it's all on me i almost died i can't blame it all on the quarterback or my ex or the people who blew me off it's just me i can't shower without people coming in to check on me making posters about the triggers oh my god what the fuck is happening? reading tons of material about getting out about breathing but my brains telling me i can get out of here and finish the job
21.	THE DECISION WHETHER TO LIVE OR DIE 00:33	lyrics	buy track
stop trying to help
22.	DYSPHORIA 03:05	lyrics	buy track
i acted fine and got out but i lied i know what i have to do i know what the next step is why was i cursed with this body? what did i do in a previous life? i hate my body which lead to family problems and the other queer kids thought i wasn't good enough and i was bullied so much i pushed a jock down some stairs and i fell in love with a girl who couldn't bare me because i was putting all my shit on her too i know my body is rejecting me the host must leave i'm a mistake and now it's up to the river under this bridge to decide weather i live

about

A semi live album, this conceptual LP tells the story of a young queer person in their senior year of high school. They have to deal with queer elitists, homophobic jocks, and family members that don't understand. They also meet a very special girl along the journey and have to really deal with falling in love for the first time. All these compounding factors contribute negatively to the main characters mental health, leading to a downward spiral.

RECORDED, MIXED, MASTERED, PERFORMED AND SASSED BY SAGE PARKER

watch the live vocal takes: youtu.be/8KGPJP3X0sk